Scared.

I talked with a girl a few weeks ago that has adopted from Uganda twice. She referred us to an agency that she highly recommends. I have done some research on it and found things to be as she said. It was so encouraging to talk to someone that has had a real experience and can say it was good. I was so excited for a few days about our conversation. We printed out the application for the agency and I filled it out right away. This seemed like the logical next step.
The application has been filled out for weeks now. And sitting on the counter. There are a few questions we weren't sure how to answer and I needed to call the agency to talk to them about it. But I am scared. Since October we have been searching for the route to take to pursue adoption from Uganda. This seems so real all of a sudden. And scary. Once this ball starts rolling there is no turning back. The ball may not roll quickly- but it will be in motion and that is so overwhelming to me.
There are so many unknowns about the road ahead. The reality of what all adoption of an international child holds is something I've never experienced. There are issues that will have to be dealt with. These children have an unknown and unknowable past. There may be deeply rooted issues that our parenting will have to adjust to help heal. The money. I've spoken with many people that say it is not something to worry about, that God provides. I know this is true- but I am anxious about how He will provide, and in what timing. We do not have the funds to be able to accomplish this alone. Not only is this the cost of adoption, but the cost of a new car. Both of the cars we have now will not accommodate another car seat. The wait. A normal pregnancy takes 40 weeks. A normal adoption does not exist. Haha. I don't think there is any mold to go by and guess how long this could take.
BUT GOD. All of the concerns I have may be very real. But they are not too big. They do not determine the course of our adoption process. God does. I believe that God is sovereign in all things. This is why HE is Lord. And if I say I believe that- and if we believe God has called us to the journey of adoption- then I must be obedient and diligent. He reminded me so gently and clearly that adoption is HIS idea. I got out my Bible concordance from my time at CIU the other day. I felt a sudden urge to have God's word wash over me. I NEEDED it. I looked up all the verses on orphans. God graciously showed me AGAIN that caring for the orphan was established long ago. The most references for orphan are in the Old Testament. God set up guidelines for care for the fatherless in the Law. His chosen people were given a law to live by. This was part of what set them apart as their own nation. I am always so struck when God begins to soften my heart for a certain subject and I learn that the idea has been around since the beginning of time! It's a humbling experience to realize I was so blind to something that has always been so sure. I am so grateful that God does not fly by the seat of His pants. He is a God of order. In His infinite wisdom He established an idea and a way to care for my next child from before time began, because He cares for the child more than I ever could. I'm so grateful for all I have learned and am looking forward to what I will continue to learn as I grow. I pray that I will have a shapeable heart to whatever the Lord wants. I want eyes to see what He puts before me, ears to hear His words, and a life that is obedient to what He calls me to.
So as I have sat and realized again His plan of adoption I realized that leaving the application sitting on the counter in fear is not obedience. It's much easier to pursue adoption in words rather than action. It can sound good, but does it sacrifice like Jesus did. I want the adoption of our child to be a picture of our adoption as children into God's family. Having just celebrated Easter- it was a huge cost to make our adoption into God's family a possibility and reality. I was listening to the Chris Tomlin song, Our God the other day and I literally felt again God poking my heart. "And if our God is for us- then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us- then what could stand against?" My heart cried out over and over NOTHING!!! My mind and rational brought up emotional trauma, money, unknown time frame etc. etc. etc.... I had to actively cling to truth and put out lies.
Today I called the agency. I left a message and now wait. I will get the answers to our few questions and then finish the application. We will pay the application fee and send it in. Then we will see what God does. The hill looks daunting- but the ball is perched at the top and is ready to go. I don't know how many bumps we will hit on the way down- but they are bumps that God knows and has perfectly placed for the making me into the image of His Son Jesus. I hold tightly to this truth. Not because it feels good or reasonable- but because I know it is true.
1 Thessalonians 5:24- Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.