Sunday, May 13, 2012

My job

I have had a rough last couple weeks at my job. I have felt completely inadequate for it. Matthew has been a handful and unfortunately it's usually when my hands are full with Andrew.
The other day I had run out of ways that seemed to get through to him before lunch time. It was very frustrating. I was angry and not loving like I should've been. I was so happy when nap time came! Normally on a hard day-by the time nap time is over I'm ready to have him up again. This day I still wasn't ready. I decided that we needed to just sit on the couch together as he woke up so that we could snuggle and have some good moments together. It was good for me! I realized in that time he had already forgotten-or at least forgiven the earlier part of the day. I was amazed at the lovingness of little ones. There was no grudge carried over after his nap time. He has not learned to harbor things yet. He loves me like crazy no matter what right now! I learned a lesson from Matthew that day.
As mothers day is here I am more aware than ever of the fact that this is a high calling I have-and a more difficult one than anyone prepares you for! All that I thought motherhood would be about is just the tip of the iceberg. I need God's grace and wisdom each moment as I try to raise boys that will grow up to bring glory go God in everything they do. This task seems impossible to me at the moment because all I feel like I can see right now is the huge obstacle of their lack of salvation! I pray hard for them to know Jesus-even at such young ages. I do not want there to be a time in their life that they look back on and realize they wasted it for causes other than those of Jesus. Consistency is key-but it is so hard to do when there seem to be no results at the moment. Boy-I realize how impatient I am! Being a model of Jesus to these boys is a BIG task!
I am thankful-even though it is hard-that these two little boys are tools for my sanctification. They are a handful but they are also such a joy. Matthews sweet little voice melts my heart. Yesterday at the pool he ran over to me and said "Mommy! Tiss! (kiss)" His giggle makes me laugh! How proud he is of block towers he makes,or how he lines up his cars, and just wants to show them off to me makes me feel so prized. The way he holds my neck when I hold him, and how he holds my hand whenever we sit together literally make my heart feel like it is going to explode! And Andrew. He is still so tiny and sweet. When his big eyes look at me it gets me every single time! I love when he falls asleep on me-or when I'm the only one who can calm him down. Having to feed him every few hours is tiring but it is also such an honor to be such a vital and important part of his life. Getting to watch his sleepy little face at night after I put him in bed is a favorite of mine!
Today we dedicated Andrew back to the Lord at church. It is the only place I want him and I know I am less than capable on my own to make anything worthy of him without the Lord's help! I am so thankful to have a husband that loves our boys so well-and is on the same page as me on how we are to raise them and what we want our family priorities to be.
Today I recognized that I am beyond blessed and beyond overwhelmed with this beautiful responsibility I've been given. I am also so thankful for my own mother who is such an example of selfless love and sacrifice. Happy mothers day to all those moms out there that feel tired, overwhelmed, and extra blessed!
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